Football is like life: it has a playbook, and when it breaks down, people get hurt. Enjoy. The play begins thusly. We play the part of the quarterback, labeled here as O/S. The idea: to successfully pitch our way through an evening of socializing at a party in DC with the pitchman, our friend the lo...

Disappointment has five flavors in 2008. Numbers five and four are available for your inevitable disappointment, too. Three: Auburn/Your New Diet. French ladies don’t get fat. Nor do they fire Tony Franklin. Both are mysteries involving long walks, various forms of starvation, and cultural dif...

Orgeron. Perrilloux. SLOCUM? One by one, our best material has gone gently into that good night of jucos and position coaching, and today we hear rumblings that an EDSBS Most Favored Son is an academic casualty and a Wolverine no more. In his own words, we give you Marques Slocum, remixed in sonnet-...

The following is an excerpt from our upcoming memoir, Song of the Lukewarm Potsticker. It is about the father shared by both Matt Ufford and Spencer Hall: a poet, a madman, a city bus driver, a man fond of grooming himself with a soldering iron, the color orange, and the man who made us who we are t...

Handler One: Ralphie, that’s a good girl. Handler Two: Man, she’s flipping me out right now. Ralphie: Trample. Kill. Ram. Trample. Gore. Crush crush trample. Fear. Two legs everywhere. Trample them all. Desperate hunger for grass. Kill. Handler Three: We’ve got to go in two. Handle...

Story-toppers, like haters or zombies, are everywhere, but let’s just stop asking head coaches about their personal lives? Ever? Frank Beamer was horribly burned as a young man, Randy Shannon lost pretty much his entire family to AIDS and drugs, and now Ted Miller has a piece on ESPN.com on ne...

Perhaps you recall the Oklahoma church deacon and pastor who grabbed the testicles of a Texas fan and nearly ripped them from his body. Or maybe you forgot intentionally, since it involved one man RIPPING OPEN ANOTHER MAN’S FUCKING SCROTUM. Well, he’s on trial. Fun details follow! When a...