Pies tries its hand at a spot of simplistic poetry...

Another day, another batch of rumours 1. Darren Fletcher & Diego Milito to Everton Man Utd's Scottish international and Real Zaragoza's Argentine striker are high on David Moyes' wanted list. Andy Johnson could be sold to fund the double deal.......

Finding the Lonely Hearts of Euro 2008 the perfect home in the Premier League Arsenal - Artur Boruc Poland's keeper was in top form during the competition and a move to a top four club could be enough to tempt him away from Celtic. The Gunners - with Jens Lehmann on his way out - could be interested...

This is the shocking CCTV footage which saw Newcastle's Joey Barton locked up for six months. It was released by police after Barton admitted that he also assaulted ex-Manchester City team-mate Ousmane Dabo during a training ground incident. He will be sentenced for that offence later today. Do you ...

For extensive use during all those kit clashes with West Brom and, erm......

Just a few of the many rumours filling up today's back pages 1. Samir Nasri to Arsenal The 21-year-old French playmaker is expected to join the Gunners at some stage in the next week, although his agent Jean-Pierre Bernes insisted......

Meg loves Mig 4eva? 1. Miguel Veloso to Bolton Gary Megson is hoping to jump the queue to sign Manchester United target Veloso. The Sporting Lisbon midfielder would cost £16 million. [The Sun]...

Newcastle star faces several months in prison Bad boy Joey Barton has been sentenced to six months for assault and affray. The 25-year-old troublemaker was arrested in Liverpool on 27 December 2007 after he was involved in a confrontation outside......

Six rumours, but which is most likely to materialise? 1. Wayne Bridge to Juventus Claudio Ranieri is eager to sign Wayne Bridge for the second time in his career to rescue him from playing second fiddle to Ashley Cole. The Turin giants will battle a host of English clubs for Bridge's signature and h...

Monday's most attractive transfer gossip. Surely one of these might happen? 1. Samuel Eto'o to Spurs Tottenham have outbid Italian giants AC Milan and Inter for the mouthy Barcelona striker (pictured). The Yids will go up to £24m for the......