I've been attempting to decode my daughter's cryptic messages for months now. "I'm wanting something cold and tasty and sweet" she'll say, boring holes through the freezer with her little brown eyes. At dinner she'll often tell me she has......

While I was away last week, my in-laws came down to watch the kids and brought with them a bevvy of gifts, including the mother lode of shitty candy, a couple of porcelain ballerina dolls for Quinlan and a Mac......

The kindergarten enrollment for my daughter's current school is on Friday. The last time I checked it was still February, which means it's a solid six months before school actually starts. Again. Hell, I didn't even have my college application......

I decided to screw January 1st and make February 1st my "new year." I'm Chinese, afterall, so I suppose a "late" new year shouldn't be too far of a stretch, even though I've never really celebrated the Chinese New Year.......

My husband and I were discussing how quickly Quinlan's school mate's mom was able to get her kid in the car and drive off. We'd have Quinlan just barely belted in and she'd be zooming off down the school drive.Then......

My friend called me yesterday to ask if there was a full moon or something. I'm more inclined to think that it's 2008 just trying to screw us all in the ass one last time. With almost one straight month......

I just ripped my husband a new one for deciding to take a shit while I was on a conference call. Generally, he can make a bowel movement whenever he damn well pleases, except at this time, it meant leaving......

We're fortunate to pay way too much in homeowner's association fees for a mini-gym in our neighborhood with a small kid's room situated right in front of the eliptical machines. I know this not because I'm working out again (haha)......

Along with my breasts getting a bit friendlier with my waistline, my thighs have become overly infatuated with each other. Actually, they're more like two horny teenagers who require a crowbar to separate them. My thighs have been making out......

The only ammunition I've got left to make me feel better about my pregnant ass that gets stuck in the toddler playground slide is to joke about my husband's [large, big, protruding] prominent nose. I realize it's a 6th grade......