On things you shouldn't do when you've got an in-growing toe-nail A short list of things you shouldn't do when you've got an in-growing toe-nail No.1: Go shopping in a supermarket on pension day, where every trolley has at least one wonky wheel, laser-guided directly onto your poor, aching foot. "MW...

On chickens Every once in a while, readers of these pages are faced with issues of such great import and solemnity, they are left with a whole new way of dealing with the world around them and the everyday politick that sums up their lives. This is, you will be sickened pleased to hear, is not one o...

On sticking one's nose into the catering business where it's not welcome It was only a matter of time. Dear Leader Kim Jong-Il has gone corporate, and he's after the United States Yankee Imperialist dollar. This cannot end well. Dear McDonalds, Congratulations on becoming the largest restaurant chai...

Neither mirth nor woe: Macca It was an August Saturday, the sun already belting down, that we packed the trailer with the camping gear, hooked it up to the back of the car and headed off for a two week holiday under canvas. As usual, the old man had kept our destination a closely-guarded secret, exc...

Neither mirth nor woe: Who dares wins As I steal from the Danny Baker show, so I return. This time its a remix of an old tale of woe, thrashed into shape to satisfy two of his current themes: 'Out of control' and 'Things of Which We No Longer Speak'. So mote it be. As a dreadful student, I went on a...

On 100% of TRUTH Seeing as I can't be bothered to update The House of Lies, here's a short list of stuff - some old, some new - that are guaranteed 100% of TRUTH. - One-eyed cyborg prime minister Gordon Brown isn't the only senior politician missing crucial parts of their anatomy. London mayor Boris...

On celebrities that sound like place names Shamelessly stolen from the thirty minutes I heard of Danny Baker's BBC London radio programme before the signal faded out just west of Basingstoke - Celebrities that sound like place names: - Jerry Lee Lewisham- Charlton Heston (two for the price of one) -...

On tasty potato-and-grease-based snacks, again A couple of weeks ago, I asked for your suggestions for new flavours of potato crisps which might be used to kill Tottenham-playing jug-eared snack food shill Gary Lineker TO DEATH. I am pleased to tell you that our mission has been a complete 100% succ...

On saving Weymouth FC My local football club - you might have noticed from yesterday's 9-0 reverse at the hands of Rushden & Diamonds - has gone completely tits-up. Unable to pay their players - thanks in no small part to certain dipshits and asshats who I won't name for legal reasons - the team's s...

Neither Mirth nor Woe: Meldrew Actor Richard Wilson was in the Radio Times last week, saying how much he detests people coming up to him in the street shouting his I-thought-I-got-rid-of-this-shit-ten-years-ago catchphrase "I don't believe it!" morning, noon and night. The poor bloke thought he'd le...