On the never-ending Battle of the Sexes "Never trust a woman," a woman told me recently. Although slightly side-swiped by this obvious feminine double-bluff, I rallied and replied "Au contraire", impressing nobody with my mastery of the French language. "Au contraire! Never trust a man." If she was ...

On killing celebrities TO DEATH Lance Armstrong. What a guy. A real-life Ace Rimmer of a man, given a five per cent chance of surviving testicular cancer, he came back to become the world's greatest living sportsman and charity fundraiser. And let's not forget the fact that he writes a decent book, ...

On avoiding the End of the World My advice to you - should you stumble across signage such as this, and you don't want to accidentally trigger a global apocalypse in which all mankind in consumed in an inferno of death, destruction and sarcasm - is not to turn right. Sadly, I turned right the other ...

On Twittering politicians One of the people I stalk follow on Twitter is my Member of Parliament Jim Knight, who is also the Minister for Schools. You may remember him from a recent believe-it-or-not news story where it was revealed that his website was chock full of spelling mistakes which caused t...

On pointless woo The excellent PZ Myers points me toward this pile of bunkum: The Faith of Britain dot com At 11am on 6th March, a group of grown people will sit in a room and think nice thoughts in the hope that their positive energies will somehow make our once-proud ZaNu Lie-Bore Gordon Clown Bri...

On vowing I'd never get addicted to Mafia Wars on Facebook It's no good, I'm addicted to Mafia Wars. Up until this week, the word "whack" was always followed with "off". No longer. See you when I'm Godfather....

On Kate Winslet Oh-ho! Time to write a letter to the local rag. Dear The Reading Chronicle May I use the pages of your fine journal to congratulate Reading's very own Kate Winslet over her well-deserved success in this year's Academy Awards? Of course, we – as a city - should strike while the iron...

On breaking the local supermarket I was in Budgens the other afternoon, fighting off pensioners as I tried to cobble together my evening meal from the 'Reduced to Clear' shelf. Clutching my two litre bottle of Yop, value potato salad and Linda McCartney 'I can't believe it's not venison', I elbowed ...

On it are being my birthday Once again, no sign of the phased-plasma rifle I asked for....

On soft, snuggly toilet paper I've often wondered who'd win a fight between the cutesome mascots used by the three main brands of toilet paper. The Andrex Puppy The Velvet Baby ("Soft soft soft!") and, of course, The Charmin Bear I know what you're thinking. My money's on the dog, too....